I see you, 2018.
It’s been a while since we’ve connected. Lauren and I have been spending much needed family time over the past several difficult weeks. Maybe one day we will share more about this as it deserves a post of its own. In the meantime…we’ve been reflecting.
2018. Whoa. What will you have in store for us?
2017 was challenging and life changing in so many ways for so many people in our lives. It had beautiful, soul soothing moments; it had dark, soul breaking moments. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever experienced a year that presented such a dichotomy as the one that just came to a close…. and I’m ready for a change.
I’m not going to lie – as much as I’m ready for a change I’ve been feeling a bit guilty. Most years I feel like I charge right in on January 1st (or January 2nd depending on hangover level) full of grit and determination, ready to become the best version of myself and to make the year my bitch. This year as I sit quietly on the couch with a hot coffee while I watch my toddler sleep I can’t help but wonder – why the f can’t I get motivated?! I didn’t even attempt to write down a resolution or a goal. I’m barely conscious when it comes to getting my life organized. There is indisputable evidence about how the power of planning, getting organized and creating a concrete vision has a direct correlation to the success rate of achieving one’s goals; however, I am suffering from severe post-holiday depression and can barely get my act together enough to bake a muffin. And the guilt – OH THE GUILT. A feeling that I’ve become mildly accustomed to.
I’ve read some fantastic blog posts about the word people have used to describe their own 2017 experience but I’m just glad to see 2017 in the rear view mirror so I’m going to let you in on my word for 2018: FEAR.
For the majority of my life I have lived with paralyzing fear –
Fear of failure.
Fear of change.
Fear of death.
Fear of disappointing the ones I love.
Fear of pursing my dreams.
Fear of speaking my truth.
Fear of being less calculated and more passionate.
Fear of never being able to see the world and soak it in.
And most recently – fear of being a shit mom.
Shockingly that is far less than an exhaustive list of the fears that roll around in my brain on a regular basis.
I’m hardly exaggerating when I say I have let every crippling fear dictate my life choices because I’ve always made the conservative decision and hedged my bets. It has served me in certain aspects and I’m grateful for that. I’m shocked, however, that I didn’t become an actuary (the only career more dorky than becoming an accountant). While I think that it isn’t always best or practical to mindlessly follow your heart I do feel that I have robbed myself and my family of some happiness because I was simply afraid. I also feel that by being calculated and conservative it has allowed me to manage my highly sensitive nature. I suppose you could call it my survival mode.
So while I haven’t caught up on laundry, emails, work or meal prep I do feel oddly content knowing that this year will be one of those years that truly defines my life and my family’s life. The best is yet to come…
Thank you to my gorgeous niece and her talented partner for the images that really capture the contemplative place we’ve been sitting in. I am blown away by their stunning creativity and landscapes that also portray the human spirit so vividly. Go on, give them a follow.
With love and gratitude…